15. May, 2014

Lady Blooming Muck!

Her name was Lady Harlequin Harmonia (her scientific name of course!) but she was known behind her back as Lady Muck! And somehow she made her way to the home for waifs and strays. From the very beginning, no-one liked her except for the gentle folk that lived in the house. But they only liked her from a distance. Well this is how it all began.

       My name is Lady Bird, Lady Coccinelli Bird to be correct, and I am the one who stupidly helped the obnoxious Lady Muck when she landed ungracefully in my garden. She was covered in mud and in a great deal of pain so I took her into my home and nursed her back to health. That was the most stupid thing I have ever done! But my mother was Nurse Lady Bird and taught me how to help those of our kind. But then I discovered, that Lady blooming Muck was an imposter!

       ‘Why am I red and you are orange?’ was my first but not last question, and before she could answer, I added ‘and why is it that you have fifteen spots on your back and I have only seven?’

       Lady Harlequin Harmonia Muck turned her snooty nose in the air whilst her eyes stared at me. ‘Because,’ she fluttered her enormous eye lashes, ‘I am not your average beetle Miss Lady Bird. I am from far away!’

       Well why the heck didn’t she go back to far away, I thought and decided there and then she was not to be trusted. I called up some friends and explained my dilemma and asked that they pay me a visit. On their arrival, Lady Harlequin Harmonia Muck greeted them with an unmerciful smell. Believe me, she stank like dead leaves. Even I had to leave my own home. This is where it gets interesting.

        Having lost my home and my friends, I was desperate to get rid of this imposter. She had to go one way or another.

        Now the kind an unassuming man that lives in the house with the assuming woman, grow grapes. They hang in bunches across a large fence near the pond. Now I was told by a reliable source that the likes of Lady Harlequin Harmonia Muck has a tendency to contaminate grapes which upsets the grower.  Now I just needed the gentle folk from the house to notice this. Tricky!

             So the next day I had a plan. I knocked on the door of my own home. This made my blood boil but I tried to look calm.

             ‘Lady Harlequin Harmonia,’ I said as nicely as I could and through gritted teeth, ‘why don’t you come out and fly with me around the garden. I can take you to the vineyard if you so desire!’

             ‘Vineyard?’ the horrid Harmonia squealed. ‘Take me to the vineyard!’ she demanded and I had a terrible job trying not to laugh.

              So I did as she desired and took her to the grapevine. I watched in amazement, the speed in which she extracted the juice from the fruit. And I waited for the gently folk to arrive. And thankfully they did, just a little while later.

              ‘Look!’ cried the lady of the house, ‘it’s a harlequin ladybird! We must catch it a take it far away from here before it contaminates our crop.’

               So I watched as Lady Muck was gently caught and placed in a container, along with the bunch of grapes she continued to eat. I never saw her again. And I never want to either! But I was happy in the knowledge that she went back to where she came from, a place called far away!